Fear

Mental illness is like a type of prison. Some remain hopelessly caught. Others escape. I was one of those who escaped. I’m not bragging. This is a token that I have been given. This might sound ridiculous, but therapy has allowed me to know the secrets there is to life. That’s what it means to go through therapy. You might have past regrets and mistakes, as well as future problems. But therapy teaches you to put those limitations to the side. To become happy with what little you have. To be content with the small things in life.

Don’t get me wrong. This gift I’ve been given is one that God wants to give all people. God wants all to escape the chains of mental illness. Let me say it again: I am one of the lucky ones who escaped — but at a price. I fully understand what is at stake here. If you asked me why I’m one of the lucky ones, I would say it’s because of God’s grace. Again, I’m not bragging. There was one dark night several years ago while I was at home and asked God’s will to be done in my life. And purely through God’s will, I am liberated. Yet, at a price.

It was this past week I realized that the dark troubles of my past are now over. The night is long gone, and the dawn has come. However, there’s a voice inside of me that I know directly comes from God.

It was through God that has brought me out of the filth and mud that is mental illness. He has put me on top of a mountain. But I must have willing hands to give up what He has given me. If so be it, let the mountain beneath me crumble. To once again enter the dark valley that is below me. This is the cost of my blessing…

It is this voice that causes me terror at night. I take ten pills a day to keep away suicidal thoughts, one day at a time. Anything can happen tomorrow, and I be thrown into the dark abyss to have these thoughts once more. This ties together because I live in a country that supposedly stands for liberty. Yet, I just might die a martyr. There are people out there who will not be on my side. I need to be at peace with this. What God has given me, I must be ready to give up.

This is what humbles me when I’m on the mountaintop. Fear. To have the earth shake and my foundation broken. Surely, you have the same fear. Let us not be troubled by these things. Have faith in God. Let us strive to be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him in the next. While the storm is raging and death is imminent, let us be at peace. God is and always will be with us. God will make sense of our chaos that is life. We are weak, but He is strong.

May grace and peace be with you.